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Six Years And Six Days Ago


Six years ago, I went to school normally. I met my friends and we talked about many things. We were nervous, but we also couldn’t wait to see the result of the exam. Yes, that day, the result of our national examination (UN) would be revealed. The bell rang after praying zhuhur. I walked enthusiastically to the school field. We were divided by our class and the result that was enveloped would be given by our teacher.

I have five best friends in high school, and all of them already got their envelope. All of them passed the exam! I was so happy knowing that. Until it came to my my turn to open my envelope. It was written very clearly and explicitly. I couldn’t believe my sight for seconds.

YOU FAIL.

Failing on national exam had never crossed my mind. It is a nightmare for every student. I was not a brilliant student, yet I was not a stupid one either. But the fact is, I failed at one subject, the subject that I hate the most, Biology. Maybe you think that I wasn’t put my best on its preparation. No! I did my best, my absolute best. I studied and prayed very hard.

So, What did I felt that day? Mention it, upset, angry, unfair, desperate, I had it all. I saw my friends with their colored uniform, celebrating their success. And I, with a very clean uniform, a bit hurt on heart, smiled to them and congratulated them. I went to teachers room and cried. Then I went to the bathroom and cried again.

The worst part came on the day after. I have to go to school. If my friends went to school to manage their transcript and certificate of graduation, I went for my extra class in order to join a remedial exam. There were many of my juniors looked at me. Me with my white-grey uniform. I felt like I want to cover my face so people couldn’t see me. I pretend to smile and laugh but I actually I felt very embarrassed. Haha! But I still went to the school everyday. I cried sometimes because I hate this situations. Then I started to feel comfort with the circumstances. I started to accept the fact that I fail. I started to find my strength. The strength I didn’t know exist inside of me. The strength of ‘you-have-no-choice-except-deal-with-this-situation’.

It was 6 years ago. What about yesterday?

I had my entrance exam about a month ago. After a rush exam day about a month ago, I started to study, again, because I knew the result would be not good. (Or perhaps, because I wanted to pretend that that exam was never exist, and I will have an actual exam in the next month). It was like 99,9 percent the chance of failure. So I trained my heart and my feeling to be ready for it. I prepared my self. I did everything I could so that my heart could accept every possible things that might happen. I didn’t want to see the date. I tried to make myself forget about the announcement day (which was unfortunately fail). When the day was coming closer, I stopped to study, and watched my korean chinggu and my Running Man instead. I told my friends that I will fail because I thought it would makes me feel better. Until six day ago, when the result had been revealed (I still couldn’t forget about the date), I was still busy doing insignificant and irrelevant things. I didn’t see the result but I told my friends that I fail. Which was proved true lately.

So, how did I felt? I was fine, but not alright. Once again, I was the only one who failed. When all of my friends got a good news, I got a terrible news. I’m not quite sure about my feeling that day until now. But I keep going with the flow, I keep going with the feeling. And I hope this feeling is not a pretense anymore.

Now, can you see the difference between both stories above?

Obviously, six years ago, I didn’t give any effort to deny that failure. I cried and cried some more, I got lost in my deep sadness, I let my self feel it all, I let my heart ‘enjoy’ the pain. But, six days ago, I did everything to avoid the feeling I might feel due to that failure. I tried to avoid it. I forced myself to feel alright. I tried to cut out the sadness.

So, which one is better?
I have no idea. But, one thing for sure, I think handling failure is one of my expertise now.

Anyways, I still have a second chance! Fighting!

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