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Self Confidence Crisis

It's been ages since the last time I put my feeling into words. Life happens busily, by busily I mean no time for lazing around or watching my korean chinggu. My mother's healthy, some of my family's problems, and of course, my entrance exam for university, has been occupied on my mind and took most of my time for the last two months.

But now, I just want to tell about my entrance exam which I just had yesterday. No, I'm not going to tell the description of the exam. It was really awfull. I just want to share about my feeling during and after that day.

At that day, I realized that I have to be strong and dependent, because there is no one who's able to help me anytime. I have to stand on my own  because everyone has their own bussiness and asking for their help will surely take their valuable time. Whatever story that make me come up with this thingking, I will save it as my personal learning.

Another thing is a very common thing. And this is the point of this post. About my self confidence. It has always been annoyed me since I was in high school, and it became even worse when I was in university. I am a pessimist person. I can stay awake all night long for studying calculus, but still not have a confidence to face the exam in the morning. I was (and probably still am) not a brilliant student, academically. I need more efforts to get at least the same level as my friends'. I have to double my stubborness to catch them up. Even though sometime the result  was not worth. Yes, occasionally, my hard work was bertrayed by the outcome. Well, it's another story.

It was not always happen that way, of course. Sometimes, I got a good result and it surely boosted my confidence up. But then, when I suffer a confidence crisis, how could I face everything?

The answer is simple: pretending. By pretending I mean not giving the fake things to everyone, not. I pretend to myself. Pretend that I can do it, pretend that I'm capable enough to do it, pretend that I'm smart and brilliant. I pretend until my brain believes that it's not a pretense anymore. And somehow, it works.

But unfortunately, this time, after that awful exam, I don't know how to pretend to myself. How to make myself believe that every hard work will be paid off equally. That exam really made me questioning my own capability. The result has not been announced yet. It will be announced on 20th next month. But I don't have any intention to wait or count down.

And the worst thing is, that exam has done already, but I still cannot watch my korean chinggu, because I'm still struggling to get myself seat in postgraduate program.

Please wish me a best luck. Thank you.

 Ps: I wrote this from my smart phone because if I turn my laptop on, I will undoubtedly open my korean chinggu folder.
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