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I don't know what's wrong with me #2

I noticed everything. I just acted like I didn't.

So, why?

I don't even try to understand why, but it comes to a nonsense conclusion:

I think it was because sort of events I experienced before. Things I learned from the past, when I let my heart trapped into something I'm not supposed to feel. Things that was going beyond control because of my inability to handle my own feeling. Things that I had never experienced before. The time when I let myself drowned into my own expectations. The time when I started to feel uncomfortable. The time when I felt like It was too late.

Let me tell you how it felt like.

It was like when you want something but you know that in the end, it will either be great or hurts you. You know that the probability to hurt you is bigger than another option yet you just cannot get yourself out from that feeling because getting out will hurts you even more.

You know that it is just a dangerous and manipulative thing that you're really attached to. In the end you will try every possible ways to keep yourself busy, to make you forget all those insignificant things yet really torture you significantly. So you promise to not be trapped on that cage anymore.

YET YOU KEEP REPEATING THE SAME PATTERN.

So the only thing you can do is pretending. Pretend that you don't know about your feeling or someone's feeling. Because you know that it's better to feel this way. Because you're so much incapable at keeping your feeling at a neutral position.

And you don't want to ruin your friendship, anymore. You don't want to lose your friend, your bestfriend, and you don't want to lose yourself either.

Huft.

I need to get back to my sense, So, I guess I have to end this nonsense writing right now.

Bye.

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