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I'm Tired

I’m tired dealing with the pessimistic me. A part of my self who always worry about what will I do and have done. I’m literally tired.

Yesterday I had my second exam for getting my self a seat in postgraduate program.  Everything went well. Even though before the exam I got a little problem, it was rainy and I gotta go through it to get to my aunt’s house because the signal was not available at my home. And it was a pretty far distance. But talking about the exam, it really went very well. I didn’t have any significant problem like the first time. And I finished that 2 hour exam smoothly. With all of the struggles I had before the exam, I should be thankful and calm and happy and relax after that. But the fact was, I still worried about that. ‘There must be something wrong’. Yes, finishing something smoothly is quite unusual for me.

And I re-checked my answer sheet and the questions, and I found it, that one thing! That one variable that totally wrong and ruined my answer! My worry was proved. That ugly variable hits me really hard. It was like your heart is full of something and there’s no space left to breath. Just if you know how much I tried, prayed, and hoped for this second chance.

Instead of trying to calm myself, or ensuring that everything is gonna be okay, I tried to forget it. I just want to go to somewhere far away, I want to get out from my comfort zone. Because once again, I’m tired, tired of waking up everyday with no goal. I want to go there and there. I want do this and that. I want so many things. Then I opened my aunt’s book, it’s kind of a motivational book from my favorite writer. But I feel like I’m tired of those things related to motivation. So I decided to write something. I decided to finish my unfinished writing or start my project I’ve been planed long time ago (I use the term ‘project’ to make it sounds cool). I want to make something, I want to be productive while I’m just actually writing about lamentation and sort of regret

And as I complain I feel a bit sorry, in this barakah month, Ramadhan, I should be more grateful and less complain. And I know, no matter how much I complain, there will be nothing change. The only thing I can change is myself, my point of view, my feeling towards something I have no control of. That’s it! I should stop being tired of anything. I had enough of me telling my friends that I’m tired. They must be tired too. I had enough  of me worrying too much, I had enough of me complaining about all the downfall.

I’m just a human being, and as I can be bad and lousy and awful, I can also be excellent and splendid and awesome. Anytime I want to.

I hope I will feel better after writing this.

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