Langsung ke konten utama

I'm Tired

I’m tired dealing with the pessimistic me. A part of my self who always worry about what will I do and have done. I’m literally tired.

Yesterday I had my second exam for getting my self a seat in postgraduate program.  Everything went well. Even though before the exam I got a little problem, it was rainy and I gotta go through it to get to my aunt’s house because the signal was not available at my home. And it was a pretty far distance. But talking about the exam, it really went very well. I didn’t have any significant problem like the first time. And I finished that 2 hour exam smoothly. With all of the struggles I had before the exam, I should be thankful and calm and happy and relax after that. But the fact was, I still worried about that. ‘There must be something wrong’. Yes, finishing something smoothly is quite unusual for me.

And I re-checked my answer sheet and the questions, and I found it, that one thing! That one variable that totally wrong and ruined my answer! My worry was proved. That ugly variable hits me really hard. It was like your heart is full of something and there’s no space left to breath. Just if you know how much I tried, prayed, and hoped for this second chance.

Instead of trying to calm myself, or ensuring that everything is gonna be okay, I tried to forget it. I just want to go to somewhere far away, I want to get out from my comfort zone. Because once again, I’m tired, tired of waking up everyday with no goal. I want to go there and there. I want do this and that. I want so many things. Then I opened my aunt’s book, it’s kind of a motivational book from my favorite writer. But I feel like I’m tired of those things related to motivation. So I decided to write something. I decided to finish my unfinished writing or start my project I’ve been planed long time ago (I use the term ‘project’ to make it sounds cool). I want to make something, I want to be productive while I’m just actually writing about lamentation and sort of regret

And as I complain I feel a bit sorry, in this barakah month, Ramadhan, I should be more grateful and less complain. And I know, no matter how much I complain, there will be nothing change. The only thing I can change is myself, my point of view, my feeling towards something I have no control of. That’s it! I should stop being tired of anything. I had enough of me telling my friends that I’m tired. They must be tired too. I had enough  of me worrying too much, I had enough of me complaining about all the downfall.

I’m just a human being, and as I can be bad and lousy and awful, I can also be excellent and splendid and awesome. Anytime I want to.

I hope I will feel better after writing this.

Label:

Postingan populer dari blog ini

Glimpse of Memorable Memories

I am writing this with Kiss the Rain and Stay in Memory by Yiruma playing in Youtube. It seriously making me baper . I am trying to remember every single thing we've been through together in the past 3 months. But this is not gonna be a long post that show every details. It's just the voice of  my heart (I don't know how to say curahan hati in English). Sorry if there are some things missed. Our story started at 29th of November 2015. In the day before the opening of our course program, we decided to meet in the gate of ITB for looking for a language center building. There were only 8 of us. Some of us maybe already knew each other because we came from the same region. But mostly, that was our first meet. Oh yes, I already met Cintya the beautiful moon accidentally in Juanda airport before. The next day, we finally met each other. All of us. I remember we sat in the front, introduced our name and the place where we came from. I also remember the Jembernese came togethe...
9 komentar
Baca selengkapnya

Perempuan, jodoh dan S2.

Kemarin saya dan Mama saya ngobrol santai di meja makan. Tiba-tiba bahasannya menyerempet ke arah jodoh. Sebenarnya saya selalu menghindari topik macam begini dengan keluarga saya. " Kamu kalau udah umur 25 belum nikah, udah susah cari jodoh nanti. S2 lagi" Tante saya juga pernah bilang : "Kamu nggak mau sama si X? Dia S2 juga loh" Wkwk xD Ada yang perlu saya luruskan disini: Saya tidak pernah menganggap kuliah sebagai sarana mencari ijazah lalu pamer gelar dan lantas pilih-pilih teman apalagi jodoh. Allah tidak menilai orang dari ijazah, lantas saya siapa mau pilih suami dari strata pendidikan? Wkwk. Alasan saya melanjutkan studi S2 bukan biar uang panai jadi tinggi macam yang di meme itu xD. Bahkan kalau misalnya saya juga menganggap diri saya sebuah barang yang bisa dilabeli dengan harga, saya juga tidak akan melabeli diri saya dengan harga tinggi. Kenapa? Saya yang tau  diri saya dengan semua kekurangannya. Dari segi akademik saya bukan mahasiswa yan...
5 komentar
Baca selengkapnya

Pada Deretan Huruf

Pada deretan huruf, aku tuliskan cerita. Tentang kita yang menyapa pagi, meramu siang, dan menghimpun malam. Kita yang sebelumnya tak saling kenal, dunia kita tak bersentuhan, lingkaran kita tak beririsan, lantas dipertemukan dalam suatu epidode yang mengakrabkan kita dengan cara istimewa. Pada deretan huruf, aku abadikan kisah. Tentang kau dan aku yang beda, yang tak serupa, tapi berjalan beriringan. Setiap kata merapalkan kejujuran, bahwa setiap beda tak mesti bertentang. Hal yang kadang membuat kita berdebat, nyatanya tetap bisa membuat kita tertawa bersama. Pada deretan huruf, aku rekam setiap momen. Tentang kau yang memahamkanku bahwa dunia bukanlah ruang sempit. Ia tak melulu tentang barat dan timur, atau utara dan selatan. Kau pula yang memahamkanku bahwa kita adalah bagian dari milyaran manusia, yang tertakdir bertemu disini. Pada deretan huruf, aku bekukan kenangan. Tentang kita yang selalu berceloteh bahwa hari seperti dilipat, dan harapan agar ia bisa sedikit melambat....
5 komentar
Baca selengkapnya