The Unspoken

Yesterday, my friends and I watched a movie titled "Bulan Terbelah di Langit Amerika". This movie was adapted from the book with the same title and the writers are also the same. That was my second time watching it. That movie tells about an American moslem, Azima, who lost his husband, Ibrahim Hussein, in 9/11 tragedy. Azima believes that his husband was involved in that tragedy because of his conversation on the phone in the day before the tragedy. And after that, she lost her pride as a moslem. Islamophobia had been spread widely after the tragedy of 9/11. Why? Absolutely because the doer is a moslem. And all of the moslem in the world must pay for the crime they never commit. Terrorist, a word that always labelled for moslem especially those who come from middle east and live in west. I remember one of the story in Hanum Rais' book, when one of the moslem women came to Europe and waited for so long in the immigration just because her name sounds like an arabic...

Today the result of the TOEFL progress test was revealed. And I feel very dissapointed about it. I feel like i don't want to talk about it. but I write it anyway. Just in case you are not informed, and I'm sure that you are not because I never talk about it in my blog, now I'm taking an intensive course of TOEFL in Languange Center of ITB. This program is funded by Indonesian Endowment Fund of Education (LPDP). At the beggining we were given a pre-test to measuring our ability in TOEFL and to compare the score with the previous and the next one. I got the very bad score at that time but I didn't really care about it because I thought that it was just the beggining and I have a time to improve it. One month passed and I've learned almost everything. I got the new knowledge about structure and some tricks for reading and listening. Few days before the progress test, I put more effort to prepare it. I re-read the materials, and learned from my friend from english...

Dia yang hadir tanpa permisi apalagi basa-basi, selalu saja membuat resah jiwa-jiwa yang terlena. Untuk mereka yang merindu sang Maha Cinta, mungkin ini hanya sekarat sementara, pengantar pada kerinduan, dengan sabar meniti hari demi hari. Ini bukan ketakutan, hanya debat tentang waktu yang selalu menjadi rahasia. Sedangkan mereka yang melupa ayat, terseok dalam siksa berbau surga, tertipu oleh topeng yang fana, terjajah oleh dunia. Dan aku selalu terjaga bersama doaku, untuk Tuhan yang Maha Segala, izinkan ia yang setia menemani jasadku, pergi dengan khusnul khatimah.

Untukmu duhai diri, yang selalu tergesa dalam merasai, dan selalu terburu dalam memaknai : Sejak masa itu, Sejak sebelum lingkaran kita beririsan Sejak sebelum garis kita berpotongan Sejak sebelum aku mengenal pelangi dan kau mengenal hujan Atau sejak malam hanya berteman bintang dan bulan, dan siang hanya bersuara kicau burung Bahkan sejak sebelum bulan terbelah Atau api mendingin di tubuh Ibrahim Bahkan sejak sebelum Adam berjumpa Hawa, atau Muhammad menggiggil diselimuti Khadijah. Sejak masa itu ketetapan atas kita. -middle of December- Diantara dinginnya Bandung dan dinginnya hati.

When I was graduated from university, people said that the real life has just begun. And the common question always came to me was: where will you work? Why dont you try to get a job at bla bla bla. Even when I was a student, when people asked me what my major is and I replied 'mathematics', they will react like : oh, so you will be a teacher? Or, where's the possible place to work? Ok people, let me tell you about this. When I went to university, at first I thought the same with you guys. Get my bachelors degree and then go find a job, earn money, and have enough saving for my old-life. But, as the time went by, I found out something. Life is not about getting money, getting house, or anything you guys mentioned. For me, life should be more life-able. Well actually having money, house, cars or gadget is very life-able. But sometimes, we are too busy doing routines, and get nothing but boredom. Why? Because our mindset defines life as bills to pay, certificates of ...

What's happiness on your point of view? Bunch of money to buy shoes or clothes? Enough savings to travel abroad? A good job with high salary? Or just having a quality time with the one you love after a very tiring day? Or got your bachelor degree after a very long and difficult research? Everyone's definition about happiness is different, indeed. What's makes you happy is not always going the same way on others. And also what makes others happy is not always make you feel the same if you walk in their shoes. When you see your friends get their master degree, you want it too. When you see your friends get a fine job with high salary, you want it too. When you see your friends travel abroad, you want it too. When you see your friends get married, you want it too. It's normal, as human being, it's normal to desire something. It's normal if you want those kind of things. But unfortunately, happiness is defined by society in environment we are curren...

Tak ada keluh walau terhempas. Karena dalam hati yang merapuh, Tuhan selalu selipkan ikhlas. Mereka kata sabar itu permata, yang membawa bahagia meski hati tergores, seperti hujan yang selalu menjanjikan pelangi setelahnya. Lalu saat ia memilu di pikiran, memaksa jiwa yang luka untuk tersenyum. Mereka kata ikhlas itu mutiara. Yang menyembunyikan air mata dalam senyum. Seperti karang yang tak goyah meski ombak melonjak. Teruntuk kalian yang tak bisa kudefinisikan Selalu kuhantarkan doa, saat terjaga di siang dan malam. Entah ini syukur atas anugerah kelahiran, atau rindu atas kasih yang tak berwujud. Tak pernah ku menyesali takdir apalagi menuntut Tuhan! Karena walau kasihmu tak pernah sampai, tapi cinta Tuhanku tak berkesudahan. Hanya harap yang terurai dalam ratap tanpa suara: Semoga Tuhan tak murka atas khilaf yang sengaja. * terinspirasi dari anak yang terbuang

I turn 22 this year, if age really define maturity, then I should be mature enough these days. And you know, I have graduated from university about five months ago. I have been staying in my hometown for five months. My world and my life seems normal, I help my mother doing homework, gather with my family, travel with cousins, try to earn money by taking a part time job, and so much more. But now somehow I feel bored. I'm doing nothing but sleep, wake up, and sleep again. I feel like I have to do something. This is not the life I want. My life has to get in rhyme. I realize that some of my friends are getting married, some already have a kid, some already got a fine job. And I stuck here. With nothing to do. Then, I have to decide what I'm going to do in the future. I have stayed in my comfort zone for too long. Some of my family suggest me to find a job so that I can earn money, some said that I should get a scholarship and take my master degree, and some said I s...

Bertanyalah ia, pada raga yang bergerak, seiring dengan lafadz yang melirih, yang tak pernah alpa sehari semalam, sejak mentari masih belum tampak, hingga ia kembali digantikan bulan yang mengintip malu. Bertanyalah ia, pada hati yang tak kunjung merasa tentram, saat lafadz tak lebih dari sekedar hafalan, saat tasbih, tahmid dan takbir tak lebih dari sekedar ejaan di lidah. Bertanyalah ia pada pikiran yang tak kunjung merasa khusyuk, saat ruku yang selalu bergegas, saat sujud yang selalu bersegera, bahkan dzikir yang tak ingin berlama. Seolah terkejar detik yang berdetak teratur, seolah keberadaan waktu seperti berbatas. Bertanyalah ia pada hati yang kerontang: adakah ibadahku terniat untuk Tuhanku? - somewhere, midnight-

I remember that kind of question always repeated from my family about a year ago. I just answered it with a very pretty smile and said, “soon, insyaaAllah.” Every time I talked with my parents at phone, that question always be the main topic of our conversation. I felt oppressed at that time. They just didn’t know how hard I tried to make the best result. They didn’t know how depressed it was to found data for my research. They didn’t know how many times I build a model to obtain the best one. They didn’t know I was studied a lot until late night to understand the method. They didn’t know I read so many articles until my head spinning around. They didn’t know how exhausted it was to stare at the laptop monitor for hours. They didn’t know how tired it was to type so many pages with full of math equation. They didn’t know I slept for only two hours and woke up to continue reading and typing or make a revision. Paper with symbols, numbers, equations and random graffiti scattered aro...