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A Battle With Self

Couple weeks ago, before I came back to my hometown, I went to Trans Studio Bandung with my friends. And It took me by surprised when I found myself at one of the most dangerous rides (in my opinion), a giant swing. For my friends, it was nothing, but for me, it was the highest achievement of the year. The curiosity and the feeling of ‘I can do it’ force me to try this thing that I avoided before.

Don’t ask about the feeling while the rides was playing. I never opened my eyes from the very start to the very end. What make me feel good was the feeling I had after that. I cannot describe it into words, but at that time, what came to my mind was ‘see? It was just that, you didn’t die, you're still alive, it just one minute of flying and now you are here, safe.’

It always happens many times in my life. When I have to face things I don’t like, or I feel afraid of. In my second year of university, the association of mathematics students arranged a national seminar on maths modelling. My friends asked me to be a moderator for one session. Of course, as a person who has anxiety of talking in front of people, I rejected that offer. Moreover the speaker was from University of Twente, so I have to talk in English. But a tiny part of myself forced me to do it. That ‘I can do it’ feeling.

In another organization, I was chosen to be the chairman of committee for a big event. Not really big actually, but it was big for me. And once again, as a person who has no confident especially in being a leader, I refused it. I worried about the failure that may happen, ‘what if I cannot handle it?’ ‘what if bla bla bla’ and so many anxiety of failure. But, again, there was also a voice in my head saying  that I am capable enough to doing such job.

Other than those things above, there are many other things that lead me to the battle with my own self. The battle of you can do it vs you cannot do it. The battle of curiosity vs anxiety, the battle of worrying about the failure vs the saying ‘it’s okay, just give a try’. One side of myself always gives me pressure and saying that I can do it, while the other side gives a pressure in the opposite way. Let alone being a moderator or chairman of committee, even in class, when the teacher asking about our opinion, I will struggle with the battle in myself whether I have to raise hand or not, your answer is tottaly wrong people will laugh at you, vs, it’s okay, your opinion is good, and even if you make a mistake, people will forget it.

But, the best part is the feeling after finished those things. Just like the feeling after played in giant swing, that ‘see? I told you so, you can do it’ kind of feeling.

And now, with Linear Algebra and Real Analysis book, with ugly symbols and theorems, and  problems of entrance test in ITB that seem unsolvable for me, I have to face another battle with myself:

 Are you sure you will do it? Analysis and algebra are not your expertise, you are very bad at those subject, you will fail on the test, or even if you pass it, you will fail on some courses during your study period, maybe you will spend more than two years to get your master degree.

Vs

It’s okay, all you have to do is trying ten times harder.


And  I’m looking forward to the next two years. The feeling of winning the battle with myself.


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