Couple weeks ago, before
I came back to my hometown, I went to Trans Studio Bandung with my friends. And
It took me by surprised when I found myself at one of the most dangerous rides
(in my opinion), a giant swing. For my friends, it was nothing, but for me, it
was the highest achievement of the year. The curiosity and the feeling of ‘I
can do it’ force me to try this thing that I avoided before.
Are you sure you will do it? Analysis and algebra are not your expertise, you are very bad at those subject, you will fail on the test, or even if you pass it, you will fail on some courses during your study period, maybe you will spend more than two years to get your master degree.
Don’t ask about the
feeling while the rides was playing. I never opened my eyes from the very start
to the very end. What make me feel good was the feeling I had after that. I
cannot describe it into words, but at that time, what came to my mind was ‘see? It was just that, you didn’t die, you're
still alive, it just one minute of flying and now you are here, safe.’
It always happens many
times in my life. When I have to face things I don’t like, or I feel afraid of.
In my second year of university, the association of mathematics students
arranged a national seminar on maths modelling. My friends asked me to be a moderator
for one session. Of course, as a person who has anxiety of talking in front of
people, I rejected that offer. Moreover the speaker was from University
of Twente, so I have to talk in English. But a tiny part of myself forced me to do it.
That ‘I can do it’ feeling.
In another organization, I
was chosen to be the chairman of committee for a big event. Not really big
actually, but it was big for me. And once again, as a person who has no
confident especially in being a leader, I refused it. I worried about the
failure that may happen, ‘what if I cannot handle it?’ ‘what if bla bla bla’
and so many anxiety of failure. But, again, there was also a voice in my head
saying that I am capable enough to doing
such job.
Other than those things
above, there are many other things that lead me to the battle with my own self.
The battle of you can do it vs you cannot do it. The battle of curiosity vs
anxiety, the battle of worrying about the failure vs the saying ‘it’s okay, just give a try’. One side of
myself always gives me pressure and saying that I can do it, while the other
side gives a pressure in the opposite way. Let alone being a moderator or
chairman of committee, even in class, when the teacher asking about our opinion,
I will struggle with the battle in myself whether I have to raise hand or not, your answer is tottaly wrong people will
laugh at you, vs, it’s okay, your
opinion is good, and even if you make a mistake, people will forget it.
But, the best part is the
feeling after finished those things. Just like the feeling after played in
giant swing, that ‘see? I told you so,
you can do it’ kind of feeling.
And now, with Linear
Algebra and Real Analysis book, with ugly symbols and theorems, and problems of entrance test in ITB that seem
unsolvable for me, I have to face another battle with myself:
Are you sure you will do it? Analysis and algebra are not your expertise, you are very bad at those subject, you will fail on the test, or even if you pass it, you will fail on some courses during your study period, maybe you will spend more than two years to get your master degree.
Vs
It’s okay, all you have to do is trying ten times
harder.
And I’m looking forward to the next two years.
The feeling of winning the battle with myself.