The Unspoken

Ada rasa yang tak seharusnya mekar karena asa setelahnya akan terus menghampar lalu akan ada debar yang tak menyabar Sementara realita akan terus menampar karena masa depan yang masih samar dan masih terlampau jauh untuk sebuah ikrar.

Dear Satria Cendekia. It's been a year since the first time we met. Which means today is our first anniversarry (if I'm not mistaken). I look back to the time when we were together months ago. I miss our togetherness in the class, I miss our silly talk after lunch and pray, I miss our class, I miss going to Salman every friday, I miss our happiest vacation, I miss those alfaa, bravoo, charliee, and deltaa. I miss the phrase of ' what does the woman mean? ',  I miss that ' game miss, gameeee' in the speaking class I miss that 'cie cie'. I miss spending time together from 7 to 3, studying english for the sake of Toefl. When I close my eyes, I can still vividly remember the time we spent together. It gives me a mix feeling. It makes me smile but my eyes are teary at the same time. I miss those moments, and I miss you guys more. I really had a great 3 months in Bandung thanks to you guys. Now, the meeting is quite hard to set up because we stay in d...

Dear you. Hanya ingin mengingatkanmu: putus asa hanya dirasakan oleh orang-orang yang tak punya iman. Bukankah sebelumnya kau sudah pernah jatuh berkali-kali? Bukankah kau sudah terbiasa diremehkan? Bukankah kau sudah sering dipermalukan? Bukankah kau sudah akrab dengan penolakan? Bukankah kau sudah kenyang dengan kegagalan? Bukankah kau sudah hafal rasanya kecewa? Kau pernah berusaha melewati setiap detik dengan jiwa raga yang tak berhenti bergerak dan berpikir, dengan hasrat balas dendam melalui sebuah bentuk pembuktian, dengan air mata yang tak jarang jatuh entah karena frustasi atau lelah atau mungkin keduanya. Tapi lihatlah, setelah semua itu, tak ada yang tersisa pada dirimu kecuali keyakinan yang lebih kokoh, tekad yang lebih utuh, jiwa yang lebih kuat, hati yang lebih lebih tegar, dan pribadi yang lebih matang. Saat semuanya telah menjadi masa lalu, rasanya menjadi biasa-biasa saja. Lelahnya tak terasa lagi. Lukanya tak abadi. Hanya hikmahnya yang tetap disin...

I've questioned my self so much lately. What did I do wrong, how to let go the things that I have no control of, how to to feel better knowing that I am in the worst condition right now, knowing that I'm this close to the failure, knowing that this is the consequence of my choice, and knowing that I can't blame anyone but me. I've never prepared myself to be in the worst possible condition. I actually never think about it. I can't go home until I finish this journey. There is no home to go back to.  But the fear, the anxiety, the embarrassment, and the pain that I try so hard to hide and fake it with the big smile and laugh, are really something I can't bear anymore. It haunts my soul. I swear I've tried my best to be real, I've forced my self to be happy. But everything just gets harder. I feel like giving up

Dear Rafiqah Setiawaty Apa kabar hati? coba tengok sebentar. Mungkin kau tak menyadari, ada sesuatu di ruang rahasia yang hanya kau dan Tuhanmu yang tahu. Sesuatu yang kita sebut perasaan. Perasaan yang tak berjalan pada koridornya tersebab kau yang begitu pandai membuka hati tapi selalu ceroboh dalam menjaganya. Mungkin kau tak sadar, dinding hatimu sudah goyah. Tengoklah ia sesekali. Pada beberapa bingkai momen kau dengan tak sadar melemahkan pondasinya, membiarkan bebatuannya runtuh sedikit demi sedikit. Tengoklah sesekali, sudah sejauh mana kau merobohkan dinding yang susah payah kau bangun? Lalu adakah bibit-bibit yang sengaja atau tak sengaja tertanam dan bersemai di dalamnya? Tengoklah sesekali. Jangan sampai kau baru menyadarinya saat ia mulai tumbuh lalu mengusik dan menggerogoti hatimu. Kau tentu paham, hati begitu mudah goyah untuk sebuah rasa yang memang fitrah. Tapi kau juga selalu punya pilihan. Membuangnya jauh-jauh, atau membiarkannya tumbuh, bahkan memupuk dan m...

Lagi belajar buat UTS analisis real tetiba jadi pengen curhat #eh. Saya sebenarnya bukan orang yang hobi curhat ( padahal isi blog ini sebagian besar curhat wkwkwk ). Hampir setiap masalah selalu saya pendam sendiri, resapi dan hayati sendiri, nangis sampai ketiduran sendiri. ( entah kenapa jadi gak penting gini ). Yatapi emang bener sih, semuanya lebih enak dipendam sendiri. Tapi ini untuk masalah pribadi yaa. Kalo bukan masalah pribadi saya pasti akan misuh misuh cari bantuan sana sini. Kecuali ke orang tua yaa, entah kenapa saya selalu ingin terdengar baik-baik saja kalau mamah atau papah nelpon. Udah cukuplah beban mereka, Papa yang kerjanya siang malam, Mama juga kerjaan di rumah gak abis-abis, jadi yaa saya sebisa mungkin tidak menambah beban pikiran mereka. Kalo lagi batuk aja saya berusaha untuk gak batuk di telepon biar mereka tau saya sehat disini. Lagipula kalau ngobrol sama mereka juga masalah jadi gak berarti. Alhamdulillah sekarang udah ada sokongan beasiswa jadi udah gak...

Dear Rafiqah Setiawaty Apa kabar hari ini? Masihkah senyum itu merekah manis? Masihkan mimpi-mimpi itu membuatmu terjaga dari lelap? Jika iya, lalu ada apa dengan suara sumbang itu? Mengapa akhir-akhir ini selalu ada keluh yang keluar dari mulut yang sama dengan yang dulu pernah berjanji tak akan menyerah? Mari kita kembali ke masa lalu. Ingatlah pertama kali saat kau dengan tega menyesatkan langkahmu pada pilihan ini. Mencoba untuk keluar dari tempurung. Melihat lebih luas dan melangkah lebih jauh. Betapapun orang-orang menentangnya, kau tetap kukuh. Katamu dunia itu luas dan mimpimu terlalu berharga untuk dikorbankan. Ingatlah dirimu yang dengan semangat menyusun kepingan-kepingan mimpi menjadi utuh. Ingatlah harga yang sudah kau bayar demi setiap keping. Ada keringat, air mata dan doa yang tak pernah putus di situ. Dan yang lebih penting, ingatlah siapa yang harus kau tinggalkan demi menyusun kepingan-kepingan selanjutnya. Kepingan-kepingan itu memang masih san...

Masa depan Indonesia Jaya Indonesia Jaya Lagu angkatan kami menggema di di aula wisma hijau. Tapi kali ini rasanya berbeda. Ini adalah terakhir kalinya kami menyanyikannya bersama-sama. Kembali ke seminggu lalu. pertemuan pertama dengan 130 orang-orang hebat dari berbagai penjuru Indonesia. Saya yang sebenarnya lebih suka mendengar dan menjadi penonton, memutuskan untuk menikmati setiap momen, mulai membuka diri dan mengekspresikan perasaan. Sesuatu yang sebenarnya sulit saya lakukan pada orang-orang baru. Bagi saya waktu 6 hari bukanlah waktu yang cukup untuk saling mengikat perasaan. Tapi hebatnya, mereka berhasil memikat hati dengan cara yang istimewa, semesta ikut mengakrabkan kita dengan cara yang tak biasa. Perpisahan yang kami sama tahu akan datang, memberikan perasaan campur aduk seakan tak ingin kehilangan momen-momen yang sudah dilewati. Bangga rasanya bisa menjadi bagian dari mereka, walaupun saya bukanlah siapa-siapa, hanya butiran marimas yang sekal...

Heyho!! We're currently in the second half of this year. So, how was this year treat you? This time I would like to share about the recap of the first half of 2016. Some bits and pieces that I've been going through in the last 6 months. I looked back and discovered some remarkable moments that happened during this incredible year. The good and the bad. So, here's the list: 1. Bandung and satria cendekia. The first remarkable moments I had this year is meeting new incredible people which is now my best friends. I also had a great time with them in Bandung for approximately three months. Our togetherness is not that long but I didn't know that it turns us into best friends for each other. Anyways, perhaps you're curious about the name of 'Satria Cendekia', I can't tell anything since I also forgot what makes us come up with that name. Haha. I remember the time when we have to back to our own place. I sent some of them to the airport. And althoug...

I just want to distract myself from the reality. Stay away from the ticking clock. Let myself drowned at the pool of tears and fly to the nothingness. Because reality just hits me really hard. And everything gets rough and tough. I'm trying to hold on. But this thing just gets harder. I'm trying to hold on. But this feeling just seems unbearable.

Breathing in, Breathing out, my hands and foot are sweated. I wish I could write it so I can breath properly and normally. Do you know the feeling of giving up on something you want the most? Or Hoping on something that is clearly unreachable ? Do you know the feeling when you can’t match up to the standards you’ve set for yourself? Or when you did your best and gave your utmost effort to achieve something  but all of the struggles just didn’t give an equal result? I feel that way. It seems like all the doors have been closed. And I'm just staring at the closed doors indefinitely, blankly, desperately. I still remember when I prayed so hard to God, sincerely asked Him for wisdom. “ Oh Allah, I know You know what I want. And even even more, You know how much I want that, and how hard I fight for that. I beg you, can you just approve it? And open the way for me please? Please God.I’ve done my part, and I let You do the rest. But, please, please give me this chance. I kn...

I’m tired dealing with the pessimistic me. A part of my self who always worry about what will I do and have done. I’m literally tired. Yesterday I had my second exam for getting my self a seat in postgraduate program.   Everything went well. Even though before the exam I got a little problem, it was rainy and I gotta go through it to get to my aunt’s house because the signal was not available at my home. And it was a pretty far distance. But talking about the exam, it really went very well. I didn’t have any significant problem like the first time. And I finished that 2 hour exam smoothly. With all of the struggles I had before the exam, I should be thankful and calm and happy and relax after that. But the fact was, I still worried about that. ‘ There must be something wrong ’. Yes, finishing something smoothly is quite unusual for me. And I re-checked my answer sheet and the questions, and I found it, that one thing! That one variable that totally wrong and ruined my answe...

Six years ago, I went to school normally. I met my friends and we talked about many things. We were nervous, but we also couldn’t wait to see the result of the exam. Yes, that day, the result of our national examination (UN) would be revealed. The bell rang after praying zhuhur. I walked enthusiastically to the school field. We were divided by our class and the result that was enveloped would be given by our teacher. I have five best friends in high school, and all of them already got their envelope. All of them passed the exam! I was so happy knowing that. Until it came to my my turn to open my envelope. It was written very clearly and explicitly. I couldn’t believe my sight for seconds. YOU FAIL. Failing on national exam had never crossed my mind. It is a nightmare for every student. I was not a brilliant student, yet I was not a stupid one either. But the fact is, I failed at one subject, the subject that I hate the most, Biology. Maybe you think that I wasn’t put my...

It's been ages since the last time I put my feeling into words. Life happens busily, by busily I mean no time for lazing around or watching my korean chinggu. My mother's healthy, some of my family's problems, and of course, my entrance exam for university, has been occupied on my mind and took most of my time for the last two months. But now, I just want to tell about my entrance exam which I just had yesterday. No, I'm not going to tell the description of the exam. It was really awfull. I just want to share about my feeling during and after that day. At that day, I realized that I have to be strong and dependent, because there is no one who's able to help me anytime. I have to stand on my own  because everyone has their own bussiness and asking for their help will surely take their valuable time. Whatever story that make me come up with this thingking, I will save it as my personal learning. Another thing is a very common thing. And this is the point of this...

Rain Each tiny droplet of it falls blindly Some are lucky They land on person's happy laughter to fresh up the mind, While others land on person's fake smile, to disguise the tears. Rain Some people love it for the delight, the smiles, the pleasures and all the joys attached While others detest it for the wounds, the disconsolateness, the nothingness and all the pains attached.

Sebuah kotak berisi rasa kutitipkan dengan asa yang mengangkasa kau terima tanpa tanda tanya. Sebuah kotak berisi hati kutitipkan dengan penuh simpati kau terima tanpa basa-basi. Sebuah kotak berisi kenangan kutitipkan tanpa beban kau terima tanpa sungkan Sebuah kotak berisi harap kuberikan bersama bahagia yang meluap kau terima tanpa menggagap. Tapi... Aku lupa menuliskan 'mudah pecah' hingga ia patah. Dan lagi... Aku lupa menuliskan 'merusak berarti membeli' hingga kau pergi dan tak menoleh lagi...

There is a period when I was too lazy to write, and also, there is a period when I had so many things I want to write. And lately, it seems like my writing mood is on fire, hahaha! Unluckily, now the internet is no longer available in my room like when I was in Bandung. So I have to write it in microsoft word, then post it when I find a wifi. I don’t know why I have many things in my head lately. And I just want to write it down. This blog is like a box to my thoughts. From the tiny part to the crucial ones. And for the sake of improving my english, I write it in english. But I’m sorry for the broken grammar. I really really bad at grammar, especially about tenses. I even made many mistakes for some very basic rules such as subject and verb agreement. -______-. Sometimes I like to re-read my posts, and I found many grammatical errors. If I’m not lazy, I will edit them right away. And one of the purposes of this blog is to improve my writing skill. But when I re-read it, I realize...

This is just suddenly crossed my mind when I tried to question myself about my motivation to get married. Out of religion, out of society’s pressure. And my answer was very standard, very basic and also very mainstream. I want to have a ‘legal’ boyfriend. And also, there is one question that I never stop to ask to myself, am I ready? I will answer it later. You might think that I watch too many dramas and romance movies, or read love story novels, and they successfully brainwashed me about the idea of marriage. That marriage is about laughing together, or warm hug from the back while you’re cooking, or holding hand while enjoy the sunset on beach, or kiss on the forehead before going to work, or a pillow talk before sleep, or any other thing about living happily ever after. Honestly, Those are things that I expected on marriage. As a product of a very successful marriage, all I think about marriage is only its good part. But if you think that I didn’t consider about the bad p...

In some previous post, I mentioned about things that got me run away . One of them is needle and medicine. But I think I didn’t talk much about medicine. It’s not that I am afraid of it, It’s because I don’t like it. I hate medicine. I am rarely sick since I was little. And even when I was sick, I wouldn’t take any medicine. Even when I get a fever, instead of taking a paracetamol, I prefer to drink more water, get more bedrest, and the next day, I will feel much better. I refuse to go to doctor because I know that the doctor will give me bunch of medicine. It went that way until my last year in university. Oh well, in my first year, I was hospitalized and I had to take a medicine every day. And in the second year, once again, I was hospitalized, but I didn’t take any medicine. Every morning the nurse came to my room to give a medicine, but I never touched it. In my last year, I had a very hectic schedule. There was almost no weekend, no holiday. And at that time, I often get...

I am writing this right after I accompanied my mom watering the flowers. I want to write about her since long long time ago, but I didn’t know how to start it ( excuse ). My mother is a great mother. The greatest mother on earth. I like almost everything about her. She is tough, religious, independent, beautiful, smart, good at cooking, and many other good things. I have no idea how lucky my father is to have such a complete package in one person like my mother. My mother is a full-time housewife. She was engaged with commerce for years, but something happened and she stopped. As a housewife, her family’s needs always comes first. She always ensured that my father, my brother and me get our meal on breakfast, lunch, and dinner on time. She does all the housework. She also takes care on house and yard. Especially when we don’t have a helper. My home is pretty big, and the yard is even bigger ( sounds like showing off, huh? NO, it’s not ). Taking care of this house and yard is ...

Couple weeks ago, before I came back to my hometown, I went to Trans Studio Bandung with my friends. And It took me by surprised when I found myself at one of the most dangerous rides (in my opinion), a giant swing. For my friends, it was nothing, but for me, it was the highest achievement of the year. The curiosity and the feeling of ‘I can do it’ force me to try this thing that I avoided before. Don’t ask about the feeling while the rides was playing. I never opened my eyes from the very start to the very end. What make me feel good was the feeling I had after that. I cannot describe it into words, but at that time, what came to my mind was ‘ see? It was just that, you didn’t die, you're still alive, it just one minute of flying and now you are here, safe .’ It always happens many times in my life. When I have to face things I don’t like, or I feel afraid of. In my second year of university, the association of mathematics students arranged a national seminar on maths mode...

Few weeks ago, I met one of my best friends in junior high school until high school. Well, we are still best friend now. But she moved to another school out of this town in the second year of high school. We talked about many things, from our past, our friends, our dreams, to the present, the day we live our life now. She is a house wife now. She is a wife and also a mother for one year old kid. Yes, this friend of mine, got married and became a mother in a very young age, 20 years old. Honestly, I neve r imagined it before. In school, she was a very active, smart, and critical student. What I saw on her future was an energetic and smart woman with a good career. I though that she will get married when she is 27, after achieving all of her goals. She told about her life as a housewife, how she managed to take care of her baby since weeks 3, alone. Yes, all by herself. Most of young mother, especially for their first child, needs help from their mother or anyone else to take ca...

I used to like to be alone. I can do anything I want without worrying about others. I always enjoy my me-time. I like to go to anywhere with myself because going with others will make me be depending on them. I liked to explore new places with myself. Yes, my self is enough for my company. I enjoyed being with my own. I liked to stay at my room for hours (with bunch of snacks, good movies, good dramas, good books). I didn't need any internet connection, I never touched my phone, and the door and window were always closed. Yes, I really enjoyed that. Sometimes, I went to the public space just with my own. Looking at the people, taking picture, doing silly things, alone. Sometimes I just went around the city by motorcycle with no direction. Alone. Sometimes I spent hours in bookstore (Being surrounded by books is my mood booster). Alone. No, I'm not an introvert. Ask my close friends or family, they know me really well. I just feel comfortable with my own company. I have m...

Pada deretan huruf, aku tuliskan cerita. Tentang kita yang menyapa pagi, meramu siang, dan menghimpun malam. Kita yang sebelumnya tak saling kenal, dunia kita tak bersentuhan, lingkaran kita tak beririsan, lantas dipertemukan dalam suatu epidode yang mengakrabkan kita dengan cara istimewa. Pada deretan huruf, aku abadikan kisah. Tentang kau dan aku yang beda, yang tak serupa, tapi berjalan beriringan. Setiap kata merapalkan kejujuran, bahwa setiap beda tak mesti bertentang. Hal yang kadang membuat kita berdebat, nyatanya tetap bisa membuat kita tertawa bersama. Pada deretan huruf, aku rekam setiap momen. Tentang kau yang memahamkanku bahwa dunia bukanlah ruang sempit. Ia tak melulu tentang barat dan timur, atau utara dan selatan. Kau pula yang memahamkanku bahwa kita adalah bagian dari milyaran manusia, yang tertakdir bertemu disini. Pada deretan huruf, aku bekukan kenangan. Tentang kita yang selalu berceloteh bahwa hari seperti dilipat, dan harapan agar ia bisa sedikit melambat....

I'm studying now for TPA and suddenly this feeling just come. This undefined-blues-melancholy-feeling that I hate so much. I think it because that photograph. A single photograph of ours that I set as my desktop wallpaper. And it amazed me that I can still vividly remember the feeling I felt that day when we took that picture. But it makes me sad a little bit. A lot, actually. What is the matter? Perhaps the fact that the class this morning was our last class. That there will be no more the same morning routines in the next day, and the next day, and so on. That everything is slowly changing now. I hate the change of circumstances. Always. I thought I'm used to deal with this thing. But I was wrong. It still feels not good. I'm literally crying now. And I seriously hate it I totally lost my words when I actually have many things to write. Well, I think it's enough to express my feeling at the moment. Hope tomorrow can bring another story of us. Assalamu...

One of the best chapter in my life is my childhood. I like to remember every details of my childhood memories even though I cannot remember it clearly. Imagining the child version of myself sometimes makes me feel amazed by the fact that that little girl has the same body, heart, mind and soul as me. With the innocence, ingenuousness charming, curiosity, honesty, and any other things that you can only find in a child. That little girl was me. Who have change a lot now. That little girl was only worry about what toys she would play tomorrow. Her fears were thunder and heavy rain. Her biggest problem was not have a barbie house. Want to make her smile? Just give her a chocolate bar. Yes, just that simple. That little girl never felt anxious because she thought that adults can protect her. She would ask anything she want to know. She would cry anytime and anywhere she want, even in front of people. She would say what she truly feel, without worrying about what people will think about...

I am writing this with Kiss the Rain and Stay in Memory by Yiruma playing in Youtube. It seriously making me baper . I am trying to remember every single thing we've been through together in the past 3 months. But this is not gonna be a long post that show every details. It's just the voice of  my heart (I don't know how to say curahan hati in English). Sorry if there are some things missed. Our story started at 29th of November 2015. In the day before the opening of our course program, we decided to meet in the gate of ITB for looking for a language center building. There were only 8 of us. Some of us maybe already knew each other because we came from the same region. But mostly, that was our first meet. Oh yes, I already met Cintya the beautiful moon accidentally in Juanda airport before. The next day, we finally met each other. All of us. I remember we sat in the front, introduced our name and the place where we came from. I also remember the Jembernese came togethe...

It's been a week since the last time I wrote something here. I actually have so many things to write, but this time, I just want to share one of the finest day in the last 3 months. It's about my most awaited vacation with my friends. Today, we just had our amazing trip in this town, Bandung. This vacation actually planned since one month ago. But there were some things that made us postponed the plan. And after a fast-speed preparation, we finally done our trip to three famous places in one day. Tangkuban Perahu, Floating Market, and Farm House. It was exciting because these places are the place I haven't been before. This vacation started at 6.30 in the morning (which was an hour late from the plan). Tangkuban Perahu was the first destination. We had our breakfast there, on the way from parking lot to Tangkuban Perahu. Then, we went to Floating Market, prayed   dhuhur , then we enjoyed the lake by boat. It was extremely fun! It was actually not about enjoyi...